hi loves, how are you? been a while. here again with another short-shorty. hope you enjoy the read. 🤗
the woman i met halfway across the street was not you. she did look very much like you though. or should i say, what i remember you to be. she had your brown shade of skin, your nose, your height and your thick, kinky afro hair. i swear resemblance of such nature is shocking and mocking. i was so pissed i cried without even knowing why. when i saw her, she was just about entering the supermarket. i ran after her, grabbed her by the hand and she froze, a befuddled woman stopped in her tracks by this strange human holding onto her. when her beautifully-lined brows arched before me in question, i panicked—it wasn’t you.
oh God! what am i to do with raised brows that look so much like yours but aren’t? i let go of her hand and dashed back across the street before she or anyone else could think me weird. didn’t even have the decency to apologize for startling the poor woman.
how many years has it been?
how many more will it take?
guess i’m still the biggest fool on earth (according to everyone i know). still out here looking for you, when you’re the one who left. everyone i know tells me that you didn’t want me; that you still don’t. that you’d have at least come back to look for me if you did; or still do. and that i’m an “idiot” to believe otherwise.
21.06.01 — i remember the day like it was yesterday; a rainy Friday, the exact date you came to dump me at grandma’s and walked away under the guise of getting me candies at the nearby supermarket. i was six—not stupid. i saw it in your steps, even then— hurried and frantic —the steps of one running away from something dangerous. but i wanted to trust you, to give you the benefit of the doubt. i kept looking out for you till night fell and grandma fed me and put me to bed. morning came and night fell. a new day had passed. then another passed, and another and yet another. then i knew for sure you weren’t coming back for me. truly, nobody’s seen you since.
even with little or no hope of ever finding you, i didn’t give up. i still looked out for you everyday—in cars, on my way to my new school, church, in my new neighbourhood or anywhere else. i searched for you in places where kids go clinging unto their mother’s hands, but you were nowhere to be found. i searched for you whenever i tied my shoelaces wrong and couldn’t seem to style my hair right. i searched for you earnestly, desperately when i turned thirteen and saw my first blood and thought that meant i was going to die sooner than later. i had so many questions i didn’t know whom to tell or what to do.
i searched for you when i met my first (secret) crush—the man i thought i was deeply in love with, the one i thought loved me too and would never abandon me (unlike you), like he had pledged. so i let him part my legs the same way he parted my lips with his tongue the day he showed me how to taste his favourite beer. but not long afterwards, he would deny knowing me, let alone touching me, when my belly began to slowly swell up and grandma became mad and threw me out to go look for my baby’s father to live with.
people pointed fingers and sniggered: “poor old woman. first, her daughter. now, her granddaughter too? ooh no, where would she go now?” she had no choice but to take me back in when her anger subsided after some few days because clearly i had nowhere and no one else to go to. and although the sting of not being wanted by the very people i cared for tore at my heart, i no longer cried, for i was not alone anymore. i had every reason now to be strong.
mom, this is how i’ve searched for you in my sleep, in my dreams, everywhere, and i”m still searching for you. call me stupid or whatever but i have questions only you can answer. i have fears only you can assuage. i have doubts only you can clear. that’s why i’m still searching for you. i want to know your “whys”—whether or not they were worth it. was it because daddy didn’t want me that you also didn’t want me? was it because you were afraid, like i am now? was it this same fear that drove you away? i’m curious to know.
no amount of fear —i can assure you—will ever separate me from this little one inside of me ever. because i know what it feels like to be unwanted, to be an orphan without being orphaned yet. this child will have both mother and father in me; i will make sure of that. she’ll have me and i’ll have her and together we shall have each other. she wouldn’t have to search for me (and not find me) like i’m searching for you now (and not finding you). because i’ll always be there, by her side, guiding her always through the motions of life, day and night, like a true mother does. she wouldn’t have to spend a chunk of her life contemplating whether or not i’m worthy of her forgiveness or love.
thank you so much for reading. here’s to all the people with estranged mother/father-to-daughter/son relationships. take heart. don’t be bitter. you’re loved. you’re so much loved. by God, who is your father in heaven, and by many many others. 💖💖💖
take care of yourself wherever you are. remember to stay away from trouble. live life, laugh out loud, pray more.
see you soon with another lovely post. bye.